I am a writer at heart;I am chock full of words and witticisms.I have learned this,as long as I had been able to write my name…the process in writing had to mature as I did.It has evolved as my life had changed….with each experience there was the serious side….and the polar opposite,which when I describe that ,it comes out funny as all get out.I remember one time also,that when I was talking to my friend about something I was mad about,I was more expressive than I realized,with my face screwed up,yelling like George Carlin,and pacing around,wildly waving my arms…..she watched me,fully engaged with what I was saying……but she managed to help me see the humor in it….this was the same one who gave me a book on Trust.In her handwritten sentiments…..no matter when,she always ended it with”you touch alot of lives”.
She also upon my leaving….had bestowed upon me, 30 pair of very colorful socks…..I still have those socks.partly because I like them,and also because they came from her.
I have seen humor in the most unlikely of places….like in the choir during a very important service,where the church is packed….standing room only,and the preferred “parking” in the church…..is either where the priest and altar servers are,or where the choir is sitting…from standing behind the bishop’s chair(with the Metropolitan sitting in it),with my mouth open….SINGING…….until I realize that I have just burnt my thumb with melted wax and plastic,from holding my candle ,and my friend’s also.i almost screamed,and another choirmate saw the incident,and said “that looks like it hurts,you might want to have that looked at”,and I replied back”you’re a nurse,take a look at that for me”.I stuck my thumb in my water bottle to cool it off….
Or the time ,when we had the same service a year or so before….that our choir director had puffed his cheeks out to make us smile……and we laughed,and smiled.I was also able to take a picture of him doing that…….heh.
My sister said once ,as a solicited criticism…..that my writing was too serious…..that I needed to find a way to be “more approachable”……well, it’s not going to be easy to please everyone,so I am not out to do that.She insists I put more humor into it….but the humor comes out in a rush.It is spontaneous……and I don’t have a recorder for most of it.Some of the stuff others thought was funny that I did……I couldn’t see it……it sounded like I was stupid.Maybe thats my limited perception.I don’t know.
But to be fair to that recent critique….I have to take it to heart,that I tend to take things too seriously….even those things that matter to me.I have also been told I have an extreme personality,inasmuch to the point of recieving criticism,I take that as a sign not to continue…but I am able to challenge that way of thinking,and thus prove the extreme response wrong….I know that a wise man had told me that I had a tendency to go to an extreme position when encountering resistance.He suggested that instead of going any which way ,to just stay positioned,and that maybe it’s not I who has to do anything,YET.
When seen through the eyes of another,are we reflecting that which we desire to be seen?Or are we merely projections of what we see in ourselves?I look at myself in the mirror everyday.From morning to night at various points in the day….sometimes I like what I see….sometimes words cannot express what I behold.It varies from….general (okay) to a view of (what am I doing?)Or what can I improve on?Do I look like the person I am supposed to be?Sometimes,like in recent moments,I stand there for a lingering moment ,taking in the aspects of my face….my hair…etc.I take a look into my own eyes…..I wonder if God sees what I do,or don’t…..or if He sees someone better or worse?If I imagine God sees me as beautiful,I generally have a smile on my lips….a sparkle in my eyes,a lilt in my voice,and a spring in my step.and my outside reflects it…If I see myself as a rag……my appearance reflects it too.
I can think of how I am when I am alone and how being around my relaxing home makes me feel when I am playing with my cat ,Max.That’s a pretty great ,safe ,and peaceful place.I am around things and images that I love….but the thing I love the best about it….is that the atmosphere is that of peace,and relaxation……and enjoyment of it….I was able to create that atmosphere ,but it took awhile to let it happen……I had to realize that it was up to me how I chose to feel at any given moment.
I have also seen moments where I would be happy,and out of nowhere,I would get this feeling that pours over me with great fear,and it makes me frozen if only for a moment….I like living alone more than I did when I first moved here,and had gotten used to being that way…but,honestly some nights,I am scared to death…..or I am saddened to the point of no consolation……no words can possibly express how I feel in those moments.Those moments I cannot possibly find an ancedote to fit those moods…..There’s no humor in them….not meant to be.So ,How do I do this?How can I turn my talent for writing ,into a joke for people to laugh at or with?My sister did say also that when I write about what has happened in my life,not all was bad…she’s right….not all of it was/is….I realize all of that,even to the point of my describing my condition,how it “affects me because I let it” ect.Or ,how I take things too personally….well if you put the word”YOU” at the beginning of a sentence,and you aren’t talking to anyone else but me,and you don’t refer to anyone else in the conversation….chances are it IS personal……for me to register it,but HOW personal I SHOULD take it ….hmm….that’s the dillemma.If someone close to me advises me,they are serious in their critique..so therefore, I need to weigh it according to how helpful it is.
Basically,take what I can from it…..don’t worry about the rest.She said my writing is GOOD….BUT…..ect. That’s an honest statement.Other’s have said similar things but they also understand that I am a very “deep” person…..so they get it.My inspiration for writing started with a journal assignment given to me by an english teacher in middle school….that was many decades ago.I have written poetry and general musings,but that is all.I did “write a book”,but not published.It is unfinished.Maybe all I had to accomplish was that I could write a book ,regardless of whether I would publish it or not.I know that many friends who have seen my writing ,have been encouraging,and helpful.
The question for me,is WHAT TO WRITE ABOUT???What would appeal to people?What will satisfy their appetite for literature?Books are way fast ,leaving bookshelves and ending up as supports for wobbly tables ……or dust gatherers in a long forgotten library.What does it matter if I do or don’t write a book?Will it matter?Who will read it?Who will burn it?