Terrelyn's Blog

What is My Place in this world?

I am listening to  the song  by Michael W. Smith, and  I have asked the  question of myself  as I am certain others have….

It is not an easy question  to ask of anyone…nor does it hold an easy answer. Does pondering this ,delineate my purpose set  in this lifetime I have? I don’t think so..I can say it inspired me to  evaluate those things in my life that benefit my  objective … it causes me to discard,with abandon ,those things that don’t.

It can come on as a “knee-jerk” reaction,to something so distasteful….that it  leaves me  feeling  violently ill…..because I had  espoused it  for so long ……and disgusted with myself, because ,one would think ,that me,being so intelligent,would choose something better…. because  I deserve better…right?

I have struggled with being accepted for who I am ,fought with the notion  that I was not “normal” because that’s what everyone else said…..I held myself back from accepting the one person I have a life- long, and intimate  relationship with….MYSELF.

I had listened to others too much,trusted their  wisdom…..more than my own intuitions…I had succumbed to  the romanticized viewing of relationships ,through the  eyes of a juvenile mind….prone to thinking ,every man was a prince ,or a super-hero,from a book ,written strictly out of someone else’s imaginings…..I didn’t have the capacity to understand that those stories,were make-believe…..and this life is reality … not reality shows designed for entertaining  other people ….. who are bored , uninspired ,and deluded….as well as selfish ,narcissistic ….and  and downright ridiculous…

My life is not an adaptation of the “Truman Show”…I don’t video-log all my moments…. God has a record of them all……My own memory cannot hold them all…. when I do something in the next moment ,the  previous  moment is a memory ….and how long I retain that memory,depends  on how many more  come after ...it.

My “place ” was being the youngest of 6 children in my family….a person who was now among the scores of people who suffer  from Hydrocephalus….I am a person who is among millions of  people who are “aspiring ” writers…..I have been one of those in the depressed department  of the mental health unit…….I am in my place as far as one of many who needs,medications, surgical interventions,  tender loving care…..and plenty of prayers….(I will never turn down prayers….they come at no cost ….yet the investment  from them is enormous!!)

I also had a place  in someone’s life as their wife ….which lasted 9 or so years….It’s been so long since then ….I had forgotten what it was like to be espoused….. that I found a “new” place in the world……my own….

It took guts,it was the “right thing to do” ….it had its own anxieties associated with it …… yet I moved onto a better “place ” in this world….it was not easy …I had days and nights I couldn’t stand the place I was in …because I wanted so badly to be in that “other” place….only because it was familiar….I hate moving  from place to place …yet I do it as second nature …. just like moving from one thought to the next …it’s a literal progression….a process…. to find  that place in this world ,and in the next ,where we will be fulfilled, happy, and complete,and never have to move  ever again………

The search continues……..

 

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This entry was published on July 31, 2016 at 2:26 pm and is filed under Life. Bookmark the permalink. Follow any comments here with the RSS feed for this post.

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