All throughout my life there have been struggles. When I was first introduced to this world, I was prematurely entered into it. I didn’t know anything about it, nor anyone. I was dependent, utterly so. I was under-weight and under-developed. I wasn’t the only one. My brothers were struggling too. The day I came into the world was a struggle for those around me, as they were fighting to keep me alive. From what I have heard, time was of the essence.
I didn’t know what hydrocephalus was. All I know is that it made me sick as hell; it was painful as hell…it would expand my skull when I was a baby, and create so much pressure that it would cause my eyes to be downcast.(sunsetting of the eyes) As I grew, my skull would fuse, and then it would endure intense pressure with no means of expanding to compensate, leaving me debilitated. I would slowly lose control of most of my “normal” function. Thinking and reasoning would become a real challenge. The same would hold true throughout several bouts with this illness.
When I was at home, there were struggles socially too. I had issues with not knowing what reactions I should have based on the situations present. I had difficulties in school. I was delayed, and very introverted. I was very shy. Unsure.
Fast forward to being an adult, in adult situations. I got married and had 3 pregnancies.Two children would survive, through medical interventions. I was very unsure, and naive in those days. I trusted the wrong people. There would be positive things in the mix, such as having been blessed with no further revisions(to date I have gone 33+ years, God willing!). I have been divorced 16 years. God set me free from my belief addictions of naively thinking that men knew what was ultimately best for me. God knew better. Sure, I own my own screw ups. God has been merciful and saw fit to allow me to keep trying.He and His Amazing Grace!
That is why I have so much faith in Him.I may stumble and fall, He teaches me to get up, and keep trying. He knows what happens within us. He knows everything.If I can’t walk, He carries me.(refer to the Footprints poem .) I have met my share of adversaries.
Now ,even as I had sworn off other men , in those past years, I finally relented on shelving myself away. I recently married a wonderful man….the love of my life. Life can have its rewards!
It’s worth the fight!