I recently got married to a very wonderful and mature man who has challenged all of the thought processes I had in the past regarding men in particular. All of my previous relationships with men had ended for some reason or another, leaving me all alone. Was it them or me? Did I not give all I could?Was I still too immature?
Or was there something lacking from the start. There was no honest communication…. Neither felt fulfilled. There was no real love, only the “idea” of it. Whose idea was it anyway?
My husband and I had failed relationships, each one leaving us wondering what went wrong. We both succumbed to the other spouses or significant others,believing that we could endure. Things happened. Most notably, neither of us were on the same page as the other spouses. Our paths diverged, and then the degradation took the turn of a loss, irrevocable. Irreconcilable. Dead.
Years went by, and we (Earl and I ) would struggle with attempts of forging other relationships. I ended up after my 1st marriage, meeting a man who I thought would be the one … (He was soft-spoken, intelligent, and caring from what it seemed like at the outset.) A while would pass before the differences would come to light, that would cause the degradation of that relationship even though it lasted for 10 years. )Following that one, there was another dry period, before I thought about “dating ” again.
I met Scott…. which lasted two times (two days)…. and that was that. Don’t ever His past was a problem.His former ‘profession”,was disclosed one night over wine, and oratorical interludes.He disclosed that he was a former male escort. Yikes!
My next date after that was to an STD clinic.
I had even had a “no intercourse fling with my ex-neighbor Bob….bad idea! We were friends, and neighbors…. he was a tad weird after he would innocently invite me over for some card games and a few drinks! Needless to say, most of these have one thing in common: No good discernment!
I swore off even more men after that for an even longer period.Then….
I went on a “dating site”. I “met ” Daniel”.We “chatted on the site. Seemed harmless enough. I was wrong! I went and dated that fellow, and I was also shocked to find that his mannerisms, were unappealing.After 2 times seeing that one, he would call me and tell me that,” the distance is killing us both!” (Translation: I don’t want to go out of my way for you…I said ,”Hey , the distance isn’t killing me…..I can’t drive! ” )That was in 2010!
After that short-lived fiasco, I had resolved to stay away as far as I could from the opposite gender, thinking that the problem was all me.I didn’t trust me. I didn’t know what to do. So,I locked myself in my apartment behind two locked doors. My older sister and her husband had moved out of the apartment directly behind mine ,and a younger fellow moved in. I tried to be decent, and find out who he was, for the sake of his elderly neighbor Wilma, whom I just think is the sweetest little lady ever.
When I did, I thought he was ok… He at the start didn’t give me any reason to think he was underhanded. I invited him over to my apartment one day .Sure we had some laughs, but he was a tad silly. I was just trying to be friendly. I guess that gave him the wrong impression, because one day he told me ,” I think I might try to date an older woman.” Then he looked at me. I took my hair out of its binds and he “gasped” and had “that” look on his face. I was like,”Oh,crap! No way!” I had to set him straight then and there!
I explained to the poor kid that there was no way for him and I to date! He said,” I really like you. I replied,”I really like ME too!” He looked at me confused, and then he repeated it again,” I really ,REALLY like you.!” I said, “I really ,REALLY like ME too!” By that time ,he really got confused! A second or two passed between responses, and he decided to try again. He said,”I REALLY ,REALLY,REALLY ….LIKE YOU !” (I thought to myself,”Gee, what a persistent bugger!”) I was starting to get irritated, so I responded lastly with,”I REALLY,REALLY….REALLY…….LIKE ME TOO!” That stopped him COLD! He looked down at the floor, like a dejected puppy dog. I explained that I couldn’t do it to him.I was not the woman for him ,etc…anything I could to dissuade him, but gently. I told him it would hurt him..He left!
The following Sunday, I went over to his apartment to speak with him.He appeared very beset with anger at seeing me.I went and asked him what his problem was. Only after awhile I would find out that he was really ticked off for me rejecting him!I told him I was scared around other men. They made me nervous. That was true.(Until I met, dated ,and married my new husband,Earl.)
After a while , I thought he came to his senses. That was until he was invited over to my new husband’s and my apartment(same place) for a social dinner as a thank-you,for being a witness at my husband’s and my wedding . That evening her quickly showed my husband a good reason to get irritated,as well as myself and our other guest! He was way over the line,making silly and childish comments,didn’t get the hint when asked to stop,and I had to him that my mother had a look that could vaporize someone.I inherited it. He then, after the exit of our other guest(who was mortified) took it to the porch! The kid was relentless. My husband asked me if this was how that fellow and I joked before …I said we would joke… but that (this time) he went too far! My husband was incensed. A decent man seems to know when another is trying to”make a play ” for his spouse! That night, my husband fought the urge to lay the kid out! The next morning he would deal with the neighbor in a very upright manner, and just state to the other what the consequence would be if he didn’t grow up and be decent to us from then on. Since then, that younger man….has been scarce. I guess he figured out that my husband would settle it squarely. And He did!
My husband and I believe in honesty, real communication, no nonsense, and love. We believe if there is a problem, to solve it then and there. We settled a great deal of our problems BEFORE we married!
That’s the way to do it!